


falling to the dark side

by greenneerg123



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, Multi, Post-Episode: Flirting with Social Anxiety, Self-Harm, Spoilers for Episode: Flirting with Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Logic | Logan Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:14:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25634893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenneerg123/pseuds/greenneerg123
Summary: logan was tired. tired of being silenced. tired of being talked over. tired of being alone. and tired logan means logan doing things that aren't necessarily logical. is there anyone to stop him? will they get there in time? will they even notice him gone?TW for suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts and self harm. and for remus typical stuff.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 63
Kudos: 297





	1. why do all the monsters come out at night

**Author's Note:**

> idk why you clicked on this but if you’re here to trigger yourself on purpose you should leave because you need therapy and not reading about things that could be harmful to you. also it's only my 3rd fic so please tell me how to improve. chapter titles from monsters by all time low ft blackbear, fic title from the song with the same name by alan walker

It was not easy, accepting that the others view him as a joke. He tried his best to be taken seriously, changing his bowtie to a necktie and constantly checking the meanings of the words he used. After his misuse of the word infinitesimal, that turned to double and later triple checking. It was also the first word he carved into himself with a scalpel, repeating the meaning of the word with every letter written. Still, he felt like others didn't give a damn about him. He still got mocked and talked over constantly. But the final straw was being skipped in the episode they just posted. He was actually kinda glad Janus dragged him away, so he could do some research on forced Fading, which starts when a side kills itself, which they presented to Thomas as "ducking out". 

Several articles later, he came to a conclusion that if a Side is stopped from Fading, they will "switch sides" (he put this under a question mark, as he viewed the Dark and Light labels questionable to say the least). He didn't pay it too much attention, though. Who would even try to stop him? He was clearly a faulty Logic as proven by his depression and the fact that he even has feelings in the first place. So, he was set. He didn't bother writing letters, as he knew his room would disappear with him, so he settled for a simple card that said: I am not an adequate Logic. Goodbye. 

Logan decided to go with a simple hanging, nothing time consuming and messy. He felt like it's the most professional solution, and since none of the others would see it, he didn't want to go out with a bang.

"Heh" he thought, "if I was able to conjure a gun, I could literally go out with a bang." But, as a Side, he wasn't able to summon things that are directly tied to harming another. Only King and it's parts currently playing the part of Creativity could do that. Even kitchen knives were a hassle sometimes, if one was tired. Luckily, he knew how to tie a noose and rope was easy to get. 

So, Logan tied one side of the rope to the ceiling and then a noose on the other end. He put the card on a table in the commons, as he knew others would still be preoccupied with Thomas. He got his chair ready, stepped on it and put the noose around his head. 

What he didn't account for, though, was the fact that there was a Side that was not busy with Thomas, a Side that specialized in dark thoughts.


	2. why do we sleep where we want to hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV from our favourite Duke because I felt like it needed to be explained. Happening at the same time as the first chapter, so TW for suicide, guns and nooses, but also a warning for gore and nudity because Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same time, different side with a tiny bit of headcanon

Virgil Sanders doesn't only represent anxiety, he also has anxiety. In a similar fashion, Remus Sanders also has intrusive thoughts. He has gotten pretty used to them and even Patton's screams when he sees Remus running around naked, holding his severed head as the only thing covering his private regions, get boring after a while. 

So, he sometimes takes a peek at others darkest thoughts. He doesn't do it all the time, that's why he was not able to stop Virgil, but while most of the sides were helping Thomas, he noticed Logan got pulled away. Remus decided to look at Logan's forbidden thoughts. It was intrusive, it was wrong, it was bad. And that's exactly why he did it. He expected something like kissing Patton (he scrunched his nose at the thought, both because he didn't want to kiss Patton and because he didn't want Logan to kiss Patton), but when he concentrated and snook into logical Side's thoughts, he was horrified - and it's Remus, the fact that he was bothered is saying something - to see flashes of rope, nooses, letters and so on. There was even an image of a gun passing by. At first, Remus was sure Logan is gonna kill someone and stage it as a suicide, but then there was an unmistakable face, purple from the lack of air and obviously dead. 

Remus's blood ran cold. Logan was going to kill himself. And Remus and Janus won't be able to tell him. His Lolo was going to be dead dead DEAD. He had to stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope the next chapter will be when they meet but no promises sorry it's short


	3. why do I run back to you, like I don't mind if you fuck up my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW suicide attempt, Remus being himself  
> no hospitalisation in this fic, but dw, there will be more consequences to Logan's actions and therapy bc that's a must

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW suicide, Remus  
> be careful and don't read if you’re not stable enough rn

Ashamed. Afraid. Angry. 

Those were the emotions that flew through Logan when his door got kicked down, when he stared eye to eye with Remus as he stepped off his chair and when the creative Side bit through the rope with an inhuman speed. He didn't want to acknowledge those emotions, but he felt them and he acted on them. By kicking Remus in the nuts. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to" Logan wheezed. 

"Lie" came from his doorstep. There was the deceitful side with a familiar card in his hands. 

"Well done, Remus" said Janus. "When I saw the note, I  _ wasn't _ afraid I was too late." He stepped fully into Logan's room and locked the door behind him. "So, Logic, dare to explain why you thought of doing something so… illogical?" 

"Well," the logical side coughed, his airway slightly damaged from the rope "Thomas obviously doesn't need me anymore and none of the others like me or respect me, so I wanted to remove myself from the picture. I did my research and I realized that I'm not a suitable Logic anymore and that my Fading wouldn't affect the host." He then got tackled and held down by Remus. 

"Normally, I'd be thrilled to have you underneath me" that caused Logan to blush "but I say this with all the love in my body, oh I can show you how much love is in my body, especially my di-" 

"Remus, _don't_ get to the point" interrupted Janus

"Oh, yes, this is the most stupid statement you've ever made, and you haven't made that many" 

Logan started to try to squirm out of the hold Remus had him in, but soon gave up. He then embraced the stinky one and motioned for Janus to join. He started sobbing and then full on crying. They reassured him and whispered him words of love and understanding. Janus's words were mean, but spoken in a sarcastic tone and Remus's were really weird, but Logan wouldn't have it any other way. They sat up eventually. 

"So, what happens now?" Logan questioned. "I really don't want to talk to them" - he motioned to the door and summoned a handheld mirror - "anytime soon, even more so with the bruise on my neck" 

"Well, as I thought you knew, since you attempted Fading, you  _ mustn't _ to come down with us." 

"Oh, I forgot about that. Are you really willing to have me? Or is this because you have to?" 

Janus tensed at this, feeling angry that the so called "Light Sides" had made someone so good feel so worthless. Logan saw the tense and immediately thought that they don't really want him near. Remus saw the mess happening and, while also angry, started explaining. 

"Don't worry, Starbeam" Logan blushed again "me and Double D" now Janus was blushing "would love to have you in our home. And well, Oranges but he doesn't come out of his room often." 

Logan looked in disbelief, not really believing what was going on. Then, they started talking how to move his room to the Dark hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dw there WILL be therapy, just not hospitalisation in this one but therapy is a must for me in this kind of fics


	4. another day, another headache, in this hangover hotel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some parts of Thomas are still terribly in the dark about the situation, I think we should change that :) it can't go wrong in any way :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talking to the others about the move can't go wrong, can it? :)

The next morning, when Patton went to collect the other Light Sides for breakfast, he was shocked to see a wall where Logan's door should be. Perfectly smooth, with a framed photo of space on it. He called for Logan, but there was no reply. He tried summoning him, but that didn't work either. He started crying and called for Roman and Virgil. The latter was, as always, grumpy because he was woken up, but when he saw why Patton was in tears, he was immediately alert. 

They quickly made a plan: Roman would search the Imagination, Patton would check the real world and see if Thomas feels any different and Virgil would check the commons and wait in case Logan returns. 

15 minutes later, they met again, all empty handed. Well, Virgil had a cup of coffee in his hands, but none of them had Logan. They didn't know what to do, they were convinced something bad has happened to Logan. They were happy they haven't found a body, but then they'd have atleast known what happened to him. Suddenly, Roman had an idea. 

"Wait, I can go ask Remus if Logan is in his side of the Imagination! He probably won't say no, he hates Logan less than he hates us three." 

"We'll go with you" said Virgil. "I know how to get around the place." 

They sank out to the Dark side of the Mindscape. There, they heard music. Virgil immediately scowled, he wasn't used to hearing music here. It seemed to be the classical version of Come Get Her. They even heard voices singing along. When they turned the corner, they saw a sight they never expected. 

"Somebody come get her, she's dancing like a stripper!" sang the logical side in duet with Remus. Logan seemed to be making omelettes for breakfast with Janus and Remus sitting on the counter. Janus had a cup of coffee he was drinking from and was also, with a spare hand, trying to stop Remus from eating a whole raw egg. They were laughing and having fun. Logan had a smile on his face they haven't seen in ages and- was that a bruise around his neck?? 

"What did you do to Logan?!?!" screamed Virgil. "Look at his neck! Is this because of the cane?" 

"No, Virgil, they’re the least to blame for this bruise." Now THAT left the "Light Sides" confused. When Virgil opened his mouth again, Janus quickly stopped him by yelling "Pop quiz, Virgil! What happens to the Side who" he looked at Logan to check if it was okay to reveal this and Logan nodded "tries to forcibly Fade away, but is stopped just in time?" 

"They must switch sides, now what does have to do with Logan?!" Patton seemed to be the first one to put the pieces together. He put his hands in front of his mouth. He felt bad for not noticing how badly Logan was hurting. Virgil and Roman still didn't seem to get it. 

"Well, since you apparently can't put two and two together, that is rope burn. From self imposed gallows. Do you get it now or do I have to spell it out for you?" 

Virgil's eyes dilated and he whispered something to Roman. The red wearing Creativity didn't want to believe it. He started accusing Remus of putting those thoughts in Logan's head. Then, there was a slap. Logan had slapped Roman. 

"Funny how the one who constantly made fun of me is the one who points the blame first. I will not say it's your fault, because it's not, but Janus and Remus were the kindest to me out of all of us. So get. Lost." With that, Logan turned around and started cooking again. He had to throw away the burnt omelette and he did, no matter how funny it would have been, in Remus's opinion, for him to throw it in Roman's face. 

The Light Sides were stunned, and as Logan turned around to retrieve more eggs, his face hardened at the sight of them. 

"I thought I made myself clear. I wanted to remain friends, but by insulting those I lo- care about, you have crossed the line. Go back upstairs to your rooms and don't try to summon me. I will do my work and I will present Thomas with a new schedule tomorrow. Now, leave us alone."

Patton looked like he was punched, Roman was seething with rage and Virgil looked with understanding. So, they left. During the walk back to the Light side, they heard music being turned on again and laughter soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry i wanted to update earlier but right after i updated the last time i got a really triggering dream and i couldn't deal with thinking about this sort of thing anymore. also i love intruloceit so much i think it's my fave ship rn


	5. getting used to the rhythm, yeah i know this beat too well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for self harm and touch starvation, sorry it took me so long to update

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This includes self harm so please be warned but hey there's also demus

As soon as the unwanted visitors left and breakfast was eaten, Remus asked if Logan wanted to go stargazing with him and Janus in his side of the Imagination. Logan politely declined, as he wanted to check on Thomas first, but said he would love to do it later, maybe in the evening.

"Do I not get a say in the matter?" asked Janus. 

"Well, Dee Dee, I had a feeling you would agree to it anyway, but we can spend time together before that" Remus said while wiggling his eyebrows. Janus blushed on the human side of his face and pushed Remus away.

"Oh darling, I thought you wanted to keep us a secret" That confused Logan. Were the other two in a relationship? And why did that fact both excite him and make him… Sad? He hid his feelings with a smile and if Janus felt a lie coming from his direction, he chose not to comment on it. 

Logan then excused himself to his room under the guise of schedule making. He was glad to have a bathroom attached to it. He snapped twice to make it so that the Sides outside of it wouldn't be able to hear the noises from the inside but he would have been able to hear them calling if needed. He then locked his room and went into the bathroom and locked that, too. 

While Janus had taken his pills, razors, scissors, pencil sharpeners, knives and lighters, Logan still had one razor blade hidden in a compartment behind his mirror with a first aid kit. At first, he only cut into himself the words he had misused, but it soon became a way of punishing himself for being a less than perfect Side. He wanted to hide the scars with an illusion, but he remembered Janus would see right through it and the thought of seeing the disappointment or disgust on the snake-like Side's face made his heart hurt in a weird way. So he wore long sleeves and pants instead, blaming it on always feeling cold. Which he was, unless someone touched him, then it felt like the best fire in the world, replaced by siberian cold the second they moved away. But he wasn't going to tell the others how he was so pathetic he wanted them to touch him. He knew he would have been made fun of. While he had knowledge on touch starvation, he was sure that couldn't have been the case with him as he was a metaphysical being and not an actual human. 

He opened the hidden mirror shelf and took out his blade. He pulled down his pants and started making neat parallel cuts on his hip. When he was done, he felt like his head was clearer and he was more numb. He wasn't upset about Janus and Remus dating anymore, as he knew he was too unloveable to ever be with either of them. He cleaned up the cuts and bandaged them, then cleaned the bloody floor. He willed away the bloody towels and, satisfied with the lack of emotions he got after cutting, went to work on the schedule, as was his routine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me ages to even start writing this because I need to be in a specific mood to write it and that mood is triggering to me so I try to avoid being in it but my anxiety over not updating got too high so... Also please tell me if I mess up tenses or grammar please.


	6. tunnel visions got me feeling like you're the only one I see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus, Logan and Janus go stargazing :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you like unrequited love that's not really that but both sides think it is bc that's what you're getting. also some hints at what happened in the previous chapter but nothing too explict i think also ro and pat seem unsympathetic but they won't be in the end

Logan made the schedule and then made several variants of it, in case Patton wanted to put more breaks or time with friends in. He didn't quite understand spending time with others, as he got told he was boring them whenever he approached the Light Sides. Virgil sometimes debated with him, but Roman and Patton seemed to truly believe Logan was emotionless. And oh, how much he wished for it to be true. 

He checked the time and was pleased to see he had finished about an hour and a half earlier than he planned to. He chose to spend the remaining time by reading. He picked up a book on Greek mythology that Thomas had read in his childhood and opened it on the myth of Hercules. He didn't notice the time passing by and four or five myths later he was startled to hear banging on his door. Not wanting for his door to be kicked in by a wild Remus, he quickly opened it. Then, he got tackled in a hug. 

"Are you ready? I hope you're ready, but if you’re not, we can wait for you to get changed. But I don't think you need to. I promised Janus to show real stars and constellations, not different Bad Dragon dildo models. I don't know why he insisted on it, though, he usually doesn't mind tenta-" Remus's hand snapped on his mouth, cutting off his rambling that was starting to describe things that Janus was sure Logan didn't want to hear about. It was a shame, really, the lying side would have loved to show the wonders of Dark Side attributes to Logan, but he was convinced Logan didn't feel that way towards the pair. Because Logan didn't want to change clothes, they left soon after. 

In the Imagination it was warm. Both Janus and Remus had changed beforehand into summer clothes, but Logan insisted that he will stay in his long sleeved shirt and jeans. At first, he said he was cold, but when Remus raised the temperature, he was starting to sweat on his forehead. Still, he didn't change his clothes, saying that the temperature was adequate. Janus had a suspicion what was going on, but he didn't want to accuse Logan without more proof. 

Logan started talking about different stars and what he knew about them. Then, he talked about constellations and the myths behind them. He stopped himself many times, saying how he must be boring them and that he'll be quiet now, only to be encouraged by Janus and Remus to continue. Every time they told him to go on, he seemed shocked. While he was talking, he had the most amazing smile on his face and it made the pair want to kiss him even more. They had a serious discussion a few days before… the incident about how they would tell Logan about their feelings so that he was aware and they could be prepared for a rejection, but now they wanted to wait until they knew he was more stable. 

During their hangout, Logan's back itched. He dismissed it as a temporary thing, but it was persistent. Still, he really enjoyed himself and it seemed like so did the other two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im thinking that logans animal would be a raven? they're really smart and ravenclaw ties in and all of that? pls let me know


	7. but i know what's missing when i'm swimmin' in my lonely luxury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's supposed to be pining but idk what this mess is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's no warnings, i think, except for implications of self harm (wanting to wear long sleeves) and maybe numbness if that's a trigger. if i ever don't write proper tw's, please tell me and don't be afraid bc i need some weird warnings so you know i won't judge yours

After they decided to call it a night, Logan went to change into his night clothes (that he would never call pyjamas). While he was shirtless, he tried to scratch the itch on his back. He was shocked to feel two bumps on his shoulder blades, but he knew he couldn't just call the other two to tell him what exactly was going on, because he wore long sleeves for a reason. He decided to deal with it later, as he was really tired. He was feeling hungry, so he put his shirt back on, snuck into the kitchen and ate a slice of bread with some butter. 

When he was walking back to his room, he noticed the door to Remus's room was open. Janus and Remus were cuddling on the latter's bed, seemingly asleep. Logan stopped and stared at them for a couple minutes, feeling warm in his heart because he felt so strongly towards them and was happy to see them affectionate towards each other, while it was also freezing over because he just knew that none of that affection would ever be going into his direction. He didn't even notice the grimace his face was making until Janus stirred and invited him to the cuddle pile. 

"N-no, sorry, I don't want to intrude" Logan stammered out. Then, he turned on his heel and practically ran to his room. With a snap, he turned it soundproof and cried into his pillow. He didn't even really know why seeing them together and happy upset him so much. Don't get him wrong, he was glad to see them happy, it was more like the fact that they were happy without him. 

Janus wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not, but he saw Logan looking rather sad, so he did what any half conscious fool in love would do and invited his crush to cuddle with him and his boyfriend who also had a crush on his crush. He fell asleep before he got an answer. 

When Janus woke up in the morning, he had already forgotten his sleepy invitation. Logan, however, hasn't. He confined himself to his room and worked through the day. He didn't even come out for lunch and there was screaming music blasting from his room. None of the Sides even knew Logan liked that sort of music, but apparently he was just less afraid to show it now. At one point, Remus walked in, saw Logan lying on the floor face down while somehow typing one-handed, and walked out. 

Being this sad for so long was exhausting. Logan didn't notice when his grief (of what, he still didn't know) turned into numbness. At one point, Logan found black feathers in his hair. He was too empty to care though. He just continued on working. He sent the schedule from the previous day to Patton and then he was sorting through the long term memory. He was replaying those memories of when Thomas was in college and he felt important for him. Now, he felt like a useless excuse of a Side that just wasted brain energy. He didn't feel bad about it though. He accepted it as a fact he was sure it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for not updating, i started school and i didn't have any motivation. i also started struggling with some other stuff again but i won't put it in this fic bc i feel like it won't fit. i actually don't rly like what i did with some parts of this whole thing but im gonna stick with it anyway.


	8. i'm wondering why do all the monsters come out at night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok so we had lots of logan angst why not show what the lights were feeling after they met logan on the dark side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is happening the day of stargazing, i don't think i made that clear enough. a small break from logan angst :)

Patton sat on his bed with his head in his hands. He couldn't believe what had happened. Not only did one of his best friends hurt to the point he had suicidal thoughts, he also acted on them and was helped by the so called Dark Sides before Patton even noticed anything was wrong. He was no stranger to feeling low, but he never wanted to end his own life.

He felt like a failure as a dad and a friend for giving all his attention to Virgil and Roman. He knew he shouldn't have skipped Logan, but he himself had a breakdown in that episode, so maybe that was excused. He still felt guilty for it, though.As he was thinking about it, he realized that in the Dark Sides kitchen, it was the first time in ages that he saw Logan smile. He wanted to stay friends with him, but he was afraid he messed up too badly. 

Patton was the oldest Side and as such felt the need to protect the others. He had already lost Romulus, who formed about a year after him and now Logan, who formed right in between of them. He always saw the Light Sides as his kiddos, but lately he started to see how wrong that perception was. They were all equal parts of Thomas, both in that he shouldn't baby others and that viewing Sides with different opinions than him as evil is wrong. That was a lot to accept. So, he cried. 

He cried for about half an hour, after which it turned to sobs. He put on an illusion, as he was sure Janus wouldn't come upstairs and went to cook lunch. He cooked everything and prepared the table. Then, he called out: "Lunch!" 

Virgil and Roman came to the common room, when Virgil asked: "Hey, where's Lo… Oh". That broke Patton's illusion as he broke down crying. Roman rushed to hug him and thought: "I'm gonna kill the bastard for hurting Patton" Virgil awkwardly stood there for a bit until Patton calmed down once again and they all sat down for lunch.

They all felt the tension and silence around them, even though they realized, one by one, that Logan didn't talk during meals. They knew they didn't appreciate what they had, and now it was lost. Noone had much of an appetite and Patton still cooked for four, so quite a bit of food remained. They just hoped Logan was truly happier on the other side of Thomas's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok y'all i got some motivation, wrote this and then lost the motivation so this is only around 420 words. blaze it. also i found my old wip i'll post after this one is finished, where i try to write past u!patton. also roman here is not unsympathetic, just not processing his emotions and stuck in the anger. he'll come around.


	9. why do we sleep where we want to hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for panic attacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will contain some spoilers for FWSA aka the newest asides and a TW for a panic attack. i think this is a panic attack. please correct me if im wrong. its described as i feel it.

So. There was a new episode of Sanders Asides out. Logan didn't even know it was being filmed, but he knew he was just too bad with feelings to be included in it, so he wasn't that upset. He didn't even use the bathroom blade. He was afraid, though. He was already ignored whenever Thomas got a crush on the Light side, being the least affected, surely Remus and Janus would abandon him for that time, too? He didn't know what to think. So, he continued with isolating himself in his room. 

Janus was becoming more and more worried. Logan wasn't coming out of his room again. Before, he was atleast playing music, then he came out to see what was going on with Thomas and then, when he saw that Thomas had a crush, he locked himself back in in total silence. Janus leaned on Logan's door and tried to listen to what was going on. He heard someone sobbing and he felt lies coming from that direction, but because they weren't spoken, he had a hard time deciphering what they were. He slowly managed to put together an "I'm gonna be alone again", but it seemed like Logan didn't know that it was a lie. He knocked on the door and the sobs stopped. 

"Logan, are you alright? I heard some troubling noises through the door." 

"Yes, well no, but it's nothing worth worrying about." 

"Can we talk about it? Please?" 

"There's nothing to talk about, just me overly dramatic over facts." 

"Hate to break it to you, hun, but I think those facts are lies. Atleast that's what I'm feeling." 

"It's always been this way, there's no reason for it to change now" 

"What's it?" Logan breathed in sharply, then cursed under his breath. He didn't mean to reveal that much. 

"That's not important, but if you really want to talk, I guess you can come into my room." With that, Logan waved his hand and unlocked the door. Janus, who was leaning on the doorknob, stumbled in. He caught himself and stood awkwardly in place until Logan summoned another chair and motioned to it. 

"I guess I'm just… Tired. Not physically tired, but more like tired of being ignored whenever Thomas has a crush. I know you treat me better than they did, but when I brought it up, they said being in love has nothing to do with logic. Oh no… Oh no! I am logic, and I do love, so am I hurting Thomas? No, nonononononono I can't I can't I can't" Logan's breathing quickened and he curled himself into a ball, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth. He squeezed his eyes shut and didn't even hear Janus speaking at first. 

"-an… Logan… Logan!" He jerked and opened his eyes. Janus had brought his chair closer and was looking at him with a worried expression. 

"Logan, can I touch you?" he asked. Logan frantically moved his head no. Janus tried to remember the breathing exercise he used to help Virgil calm down. Once he did, he started counting. It took some time, but eventually Logan's breathing got back to normal and he suddenly lounged at Janus, sitting in his lap and wrapping all six of the snake-like Side's arms around himself. He was still shaking, though that was lessening, too. 

Janus knew he had to talk about what just happened, so he nudged Logan a little. 

"Logan, darling, we will not ignore you. I don't get affected that much by Thomas's crushes and Remus stays himself, he might make more jokes about having sex with the object of our host's affections, but otherwise he will not change. And you definitely aren't hurting Thomas, you're allowed to feel." 

"Do you promise?" Logan spoke softly, at which Janus offered all six of his pinkies to promise on. Sure, it was a tiny bit childish, but if it helped Logan, he'd do it in a heartbeat. And Logan did look a bit more relaxed after that. 

After some time, Remus came back from the Imagination and picked them both up, set them on Logan's bed and joined the cuddle pile. The owner of said bed was already asleep and Janus, still not lying because of the effect Logan's room had on him, whispered to Remus explaining what had happened, making him angry. As he tried to storm the Light Sides, Janus caught him and pointedly looked at Logan, who stirred at the noise. Remus's expression immediately softened and he went back into going through Logan's hair. The two awake Sides looked at each other and both felt how much they wanted Logan to join their relationship. But as he clearly didn't love them back, they had to stay yearning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personally, 4-7-8 doesnt work for me as well as 3-1-3 or 3-1-3-1 do so i didnt specify which one is used even though its canon virgil uses 4-7-8. i hope this doesn't bother anyone. also im sorry for not updating for almost a month


	10. why do I run back to you, like I don't mind if you fuck up my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cuddle session at the beginning, good sleep at the end. definitely nothing goes wrong in between. no way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for self harm injuries and discovery of them, slight gore mention (Remus) and therapy? i don't know if the last one is a trigger but i'm telling you just in case

During Logan's sleep, his shirt rode up. Because Janus and Remus were quietly talking, they didn't notice it at first. When Remus turned around to check on Logan, though, he swore. Loudly. It was enough to wake the sleeping Side up. 

"W'as goin on?" Logan slurred. Then he noticed where Remus was staring and he quickly sobered up and tried to cover up. Janus grabbed his wrists with two of his arms and Logan's first thought was "Damn, that's hot". His second thought that came immediately after was about how the situation isn't ideal to think about Janus's many hands and their possible uses. Maybe Remus was rubbing off on him. That thought process happened so quickly that neither of the other two Sides noticed him thinking. He started struggling more, trying to get away, which resulted in his shirt going up even higher, revealing the word "STUPID" going around his left side. Janus was so shocked he let Logan loose, but fortunately he didn't get far before Remus was carrying him back to his bed. 

Logan kept on thrashing around, but Remus was simply that much stronger. He really should have remembered it from the incident, when Remus held him down. He didn't stop moving, seemingly in a trance. So, Remus put him on his bed, held him down on one side and Janus took the other, and whispered in his ear "Did you know that you can chomp off your own finger with your teeth?" That broke Logan out, as the Logic part of him took over and he said "Technically, while your jaw does have the strength needed to bite one's finger off, their brain won't let them do it, so no, you actually can't" 

"I know, dear, I just had a feeling a distraction might be welcome from your spiraling" 

"T-Thank you, Remus."

"Not a problem, however there is a problem. You've been self harming for god knows how long and that needs to stop. I'm sorry if I’m being too harsh, but I won't let you do it any longer."

"Well, it's not really self harm, it is just a way of becoming a better Logic for Thomas. I can't repeat a mistake if I am reminded of it at all times."

"Logan, we were hoping to slowly and gently approach you about this, but it seems like this is more urgent than we thought. We need you to talk to a therapist." replied Janus. Then, Remus half-shouted: "Yeah! There is a therapist figment in Imagination. He's on Roman's side, but I know he would move closer to the border if need be. His name is Dr. Picani and he's been here since the first Cartoon Therapy video. He has helped me manage my output of my own intrusive thoughts."

Logan thought about it for a minute and eventually agreed. They went to the border of Remus's part of the Imagination, where The Duke called upon Emile. He teleported there quickly, his tie baby pink. That reassured Logan once again, because only serious people wear ties. He seemed disoriented because of the teleport. 

Upon seeing the trio, Emile's face softened into a comforting smile. He already talked to Janus and Remus about the situation and was prepared to talk to Logan. He took the latter into his office, where they talked about the goals for his therapy and what he wants to work on. 

After that was done, Logan stepped out of Emile's office to find himself in Remus's room. It seemed like the twin synced up the office door to a new door in his room. It was a stressful day, but he knew he was making progress on his way of feeling better. He went to sleep, as it was evening and the nap he took before only covered for the energy of all the panicking he did that day. He fell into a restful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this chapter is major progress for this fic even though it's not that long. also this is most definitely not the end. also also i've wanted to post this on my birthday but i had problems figuring out how to do some stuff so it's a few days late ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	11. why am i a sucker for all your lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this might seem weird but ill explain in the next chapter. logan is clearly off here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im basing this off my own experiences, but i think i regress when that happens to me and i tried to leave that out. it's directly tied to the previous two chapters btw. feel free to guess what is going on.

The blaring of the alarm seemed much more sudden and annoying this morning. He remembered that Thomas was filming a video today and it filled him with a sense of dread. He felt like he didn't have the energy to change himself out of his pyjamas, let alone present facts that the host and the others will just ignore anyway. He wished he could just stay here and not join them, the problem was about asking Nico to be Thomas's boyfriend, so there's no chance he would be able to get a word in. He knew he really should get ready, as the others would expect him soon, but the mere thought of it just seemed… exhausting. So he didn't.

He didn't even move until Janus knocked on his door - he really loved how much the two respected his privacy - to talk to him. He didn't have it in him to respond and Janus's voice soon gained a worried note, telling Logan he's coming in to make sure he's not hurting himself. 

Janus wasn't sure what to expect when he opened the door to Logan's room. He had hoped not to see any blood and that wish of his was fulfilled. But that doesn't mean the sight that greeted his eyes didn't worry him. He knew Logan was supposed to join Thomas and the Lights with recording today, so he was surprised to see him still in bed, clearly awake but seeming like he hasn't moved yet.

He checked the time on Logan's alarm clock, it was 10:30 am. He checked Logan's schedule, it said that they will meet at 9:00 am. Janus quickly checked with Thomas and saw him and the three trying to work a camera. Clearly Logan's absence of input affected the host, but it didn't seem like any of them were bothered by it. Or acknowledge it, actually. The literal personification of logic was an hour and a half late and they were ignoring it. 

That made Janus angry, but as he turned to go tell them off, he caught sight of Logan again and it stopped him in his tracks. The logical Side hadn't reacted to Janus coming in and had a glassy look in his eyes he hadn't noticed before. He tried to get his attention, only successful after a couple of minutes. The scaly Side was starting to lose hope, when finally, finally, Logan's eyes slowly drifted to him. 

Logan heard Janus come into the room, but he was too tired and uncaring to pay him much attention. He felt empty, like he wasn't really there. Everything felt like he was either in a dream or underwater. After some time, he heard Janus calling him and it felt like he was getting back to his senses, the figurative water was clearing and he saw an outline of what could only be one of his crushes. He smiled at him, happy to have him close. Logan wasn't sure what was happening, but he liked Janus there. Slowly, he felt like he could talk again. 

"Jaaaaaanuuuus" he slurred. Then, in the same way, "Cuuuuddleeee". He tried to lift his hands, and he could, but they were really heavy. Luckily, Janus seemed to understand what he was trying to say and laid down next to him. Happy with that, Logan closed his eyes and drifted off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait but the last 2 months have been really really hard with my mental health and school and everything. ill explain what is going on with logan in the next chapter, which im already writing.

**Author's Note:**

> it's, again, a case of "green writing what they want to read" but please tell me if you want to read more, it will not have MCD though bc i can't kill characters


End file.
